JESS

The Boy: Tom

Jess went on a first date with a guy she met out at a bar on a Saturday night. His name was Tom. Tom saw Jess on his way out and walked over to her, clearly because he thought she was a hottie with a body. He was really good looking, too. They had a very, very brief conversation (probably something like what I’ve transcribed below) in which no connection was made.

• Tom: “What’s your name?”
• Jess: “WHAT?!”
• Tom: “WHAT’S YOUR NAME?”
• Jess: “I CAN’T HEAR YOU.”
• Tom: “WHAT. IS. YOUR. NAME.”
• Jess: “OH. JESS.”
• Tom: “JEN?”
• Jess: “JESS.”

Really, Jess and Tom could have just grunted at each other to get through this minute-long-ish formality, so they can finally get on with the business of exchanging phone numbers (‘Jess FromPianos’ / “Tom BlueSweaterLES’).

After a few texts back-and-forth the next day, Tom asks Jess out on a date to “get drinks” because that’s apparently the only way we go on first dates anymore. Seriously, if a boy asks me out to dinner as a first date now I assume either of the 2 following things:

1. He is in his thirties
2. He is so into me that he wants to skin me and make a shrine in his closet

Sidebar: “Getting drinks” is annoying because it requires the girl to plan ahead and find the right full-to-hungry balance. The goal is to have eaten enough beforehand so as not to get sloshed after a first glass of Pinot Grigio, but still have room to split a charcuterie and cheese plate if the guy decides he likes you enough to invest another $9- $12 into the date.

OK. Back to story…

Jess and Tom “get drinks” and finally have a longer and audible conversation in which, again, no connection is made. Tom talks A LOT about himself and Jess concludes he is a narcissist and loses interest, despite his good looks.

Jess wants to leave the restaurant, but Tom orders a second round of drinks without consulting her, so she’s stuck for a at least a little while longer. Jess downs her second glass of wine, thinking it may subconsciously encourage Tom to drink his beer more quickly… but it doesn’t. Tom’s now talking about his position as pledge master in his college fraternity, so he hardly pauses to take a sip of his craft beer. Jess has now put on her jacket, buttoned it all the way, and is ‘half-sitting’ on her bar stool. Finally, after another 20 minutes, with still a few centimeters of beer left in Tom’s glass, Jess lies and says she needs to wake up early for an important meeting and leaves. Tom is oblivious to Jess’s disinterest and believes her lie because he is too cocky not to.

The next day, Jess doesn’t answer Tom’s text message and usually, that’s the end of it.

Natural progression of stranger faze-out:

1. Go on a date with a stranger
2. Don’t text stranger back (I’ve encountered at most 3 unanswered text messages before stranger gets the idea)
3. Go about your life without said stranger in it

The next Saturday night, Jess sees Tom out AGAIN at another bar.

Why, Universe?

I walk more than 4 minutes out-of-the-way on my walk home from the subway on days when I think I look pretty so that I can pass by the cute-boy-from-work’s apartment and “randomly bump into him.” I have never seen him once.

I see the same crazy-ass homeless man who screams at people and sometimes even chases them down the street at least 4 times a week in various parts of the East Village.

Tom is like the crazy homeless man in this story.

Jess sees Tom and makes a very concerted, and very obvious, effort to avoid him. She is fast-walking all over the place, awkwardly zig-zagging and pivoting, always aiming to occupy whatever part of the bar is the furthest distance away from Tom. Tom sees what Jess is doing, but just doesn’t understand it. He sends her a text message later, asking why she was running away from him.

• Jess: “I’m sorry. We met for literally a minute. Then we had a get-to-know-you session. Why would I fake it and play like I’m interested?”
• Tom: “Why wouldn’t u be after getting to know me?”
• Tom: “I’m so nice”
• Tom: “And good looking and wealthy and funny and fun”
• Tom: “Like all those and more”
• Jess: “That’s exactly why.”

I call bullshit because if Tom was really wealthy, like he says he is, he would have paid for a charcuterie and cheese plate. One with assorted pickled vegetables and confit, because it sounds fancy. Girls gotta eat.