WHITNEY

The boy: Timothy Sykes (Note: this is not a code name, he’s a ‘public figure’)

Whitney is that kind of person who believes only in extremes, and often oscillates from one extreme to the other. She’s never somewhere in the middle.

5 (very true) Examples of Whitney’s One-Extreme-Or-The-Other Mentality:

1. Whitney’s Hunger:

“STAR.VING.”

or

Asks you to get her phone from her bedroom because she needs to ‘digest’ on the couch

2. Whitney’s Diet

She once ate bacon from the trashcan

or

On-again vegetarian

3. Whitney’s Spending Habits

Membership to Equinox

or

I wasn’t allowed to throw away a cardboard box because she used it as her iPad keyboard case

5. Whitney’s Take on Sex

Celibacy (Wearing a overly-oversized knit sweater and undies, she says, “Not worth it. My insurance doesn’t even cover my birth control.”)

or

Promiscuity (Wearing just undies and her chest covered in bruises, she says, “I made him choke me just ‘cuz I wanted to try it out.”)

Whitney goes out on a Saturday night to one of the douchiest bars in the city and meets some of the douchiest boys in the city. Not surprisingly, after leaving the bar that night, Whitney- being Whitney- believes that she will never, EVER meet a decent boy at a bar because all bars suck. And all boys that go to them do too.

Whitney gets back to her (at the time, our) apartment and she’s drunk and discouraged. She changes into her overly-oversized knit “I-give-up” sweater, then gets her laptop and a fuckin’ fork for her fuckin’ cheeseburger S’mac, and slumps into the couch.

Like most 22-year-old girls, Whitney is a big fan of Bravo (if you do not heart Andy Cohen, you are a soulless monster. See below.) And like most Bravo fans, Whitney watches, like, every show on that sometimes-asinine, yet highly addictive channel.

If you do not heart Andy Cohen, you are a soulless monster who probably hates these people/things too:

• Ellen DeGeneres
• Golden Retriever Puppies
• http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aMS0O3kknvk
• Jim + Pam’s relationship on The Office
• Buzzfeed
• Free samples
• Netflix Original Series

Whitney was especially into the Bravo show “Miss Advised” at the time, which, if you don’t remember, follows 3 single relationship experts as they give advice to other single people while trying to find love for themselves.

One of the women on the show was Amy Laurent, who is a matchmaker in NYC. Men come to her to ‘find love’ and Amy sets them up on a date with one of the women she has stored in her ‘database.’

What happens next:

1. Drunk Whitney sends in a picture and fills out an application to be entered into Amy Laurent’s ‘database.’

2. Sober Whitney reads a very-confusing-until-she-remembers-what-she-did-drunk-on-Saturday-night email at work on Monday from Amy Laurent, which says she’s been accepted into the‘database.’

3. Drunk Whitney is apparently a 27-year-old.

4. Sober Whitney is like “whaaaaa?”

In the email, Amy asks to meet Whitney, the 27-year-old girl who, from the picture, looks really good for her age. Whitney wears a blazer and real jewelry to their meeting the next day at Amy’s office. Amy tells Whitney she has a ‘great’ potential guy for her to meet. His name is Tim, and Amy can vouch for him- she knows Tim personally and he’s a “great guy”

Amy was only half-lying. Tim’s a dick. But she does know him personally. Fast forward to a few episodes of “Miss Advised” later and you’ll see that Amy went on date with Tim herself, and fucking hated him.

Whitney goes on a date with Tim and finds out for herself that he is, in fact, a dick. And apparently, a very, very successful one.

Tim invites Whitney to meet him at one of the most-expensive and fancy restaurants in NYC. Despite his wealth, it’s just “for drinks.” Whitney remembers that Tim spent most of the time talking about his personal chef, which adds insult to injury. I mean, Whitney- being Whitney- is “STAR.VING.” She also remembers that Tim told her that he can’t ski, but that he is “very into sledding.” Which is amazing.

To give you a better idea of who this guy is, I’ve done some research for you:

Timothy Syke’s Wikipedia Bio: Timothy Syke’s is an American stock trader, entrepreneur, and penny stock expert. He is best known for turning his Bar Mitzvah money into over $1 million by day trading in-between classes at Tulane University.

3 words/phrases that equals someone who sucks: Stock Trader + Bar Mitzvah Money + Tulane= you suck

More ‘3 words/phrases that equal someone who sucks’

• Paleo + Clean Eating + Never Give Up
• Actually saying the word ‘Hashtag’ + #yesplease + National (insert anything) Day
• Speakeasy + too mainstream + Ramen burger

A Few Blog Post Titles from Timothy Skye’s Blog- I would include actual quotes from the blog entries because I’m sure they are riddled with gems, but I think I would throw up if I read them.

• How to Sit Courtside at an NBA Game & Get Rich
• 64 Penny Stock Trading Rules to Honor my $164,000 Profit Week, I’m Mad you Probly Don’t Know Them, Do You?
• How to Get Mansions, Ferraris, Lamborghinis & Rolexes
• How I made $74,000 Yesterday & Will Make $100,000 Tomorrow (Seriously)
• My $12 Million Yacht Trip Photos
• Celebrating The New Year with a $35,000 Rolex Watch
• The Jew of Wall Street Reviews the Wolf of Wall Street

Some of the ‘Baller’ Pictures from Timothy Syke’s Instagram- He calls himself an “Inspirer” in his description, among other self-proclaimed, unofficial titles. I’ve also bolded a few of the especially disgusting hashtags.

This is how millionaires get our cars washed in Miami Beach #lamborghini #gallardo #lambo #carwash #miami #miamibeach #millionairefun #sexy #clean #betternow #lasucks

Thumbs up, I approve of this message #miami #stocks #beautiful #girls #rich #luxury #mylife

Which watch do you like best? My new $35,000 Gold Rolex or my $36,000 Audemars Piguet? (Hint: your answer says a lot about you) #rolex #audemars #audemarspiguet #carbonfiber #18kgold #finewatches #insarolex #watchgram #watchporn #bahamas #yachting #thisisthelife #porscheonmywrist #obnoxious #imrichbitch #dailyinspiration #rolexdaytona #royaloak #literallyoffshore #stocks #stockmarket #pennystocks #investors #finance #jewtime

#jewtime for me is enjoying a bagel and lox. And everyone knows he stole #imrichbitch from NeNe Leakes.

Anyways, you get it. He is #TheWorstPersonInTheWorld. Worried that Tim might try and contact her again through the matchmaking service, Whitney confesses to Amy that she is 22 so Amy would “reprimand her” and remove her name from the database thus, preventing communication with any of of the men in Matchmaking club.

After the date, Whitney- being Whitney- now believes that she will never, EVER be able to find a boyfriend in NYC by any means. Not by going to bars. Not by going on dates. So, Whitney moved across the country. She did meet a boy, though. So maybe she’s right?