SARA

The boy: Her boyfriend

My friend Sara, the one with the 31-year-old boyfriend, recently moved in with him, into his apartment. Into his really big and new apartment in a doorman building that he owns. He owns.

This blows my mind. I’m impressed when someone tells me they don’t use their parent’s HBO Go account or have wine glasses in their apartment for more than 3 people.

Sara and her boyfriend are decorating their now-shared apartment so that it no longer looks like a barren bachelor pad. I ask her how the decorating is going. She tells me that it’s going well because the furniture they bought is really nice, and now they have more things to have sex on/against/while bent-over.

Cool. I’ll just go fuck myself, then. In my full-sized bed. Because if I sat on my kitchen table, it would break.