MEGAN

The guy: Tarek

Megan’s boyfriend broke up with her.

She’s 27, and they were dating for 5 years. 5 years.

Megan thought she was going to marry him. Marry him.

Nothing specific happened to cause the break up- no one cheated, there was no blowout fight, no confessed homosexual preference. Plain and simple- Megan’s boyfriend broke up with her because he didn’t want to marry her. Deep down, though, Megan knew didn’t want to marry him either but she chose not acknowledge it, not to ‘go there.’ A decision due not to a lack of self-confidence, but to a known myriad of sucky break-up consequences. Such as:

1. Society’s all like, “You’re doing it wrong.”: Megan’s now in her late 20’s and single, an age at which (really emphasize the air quotes on this one) “society” says you should be thinking about settling down in a relationship, instead of starting over and trying to find a new one.

2. You have to re-define your life, without him in it: Megan’s boyfriend was a huge part of her entire post-graduate life. A break up will essentially put her back in the mindset of a timid 22-year-old experiencing life in NYC for the first time, instead of the mindset of a veteran 27-year-old.

3. You have to learn how to navigate the ‘now-future’ dating world: Five-years-ago, the dating world was a different place. Now, Megan has to learn about these new ‘scary apps’ and social norms. When she talks to her friends about dating, it sounds like she’s your parent. Similar phenomenon to when your mom calls weed “Mary Jane” or your dad’s life is turned around when he puts on noise canceling headphones for the first time (While dad has headphones on- “I LITERALLY CANNOT HEAR A THING. SAY SOMETHING, SAY SOMETHING.” After dad takes headphones off- “[Insert some joke about using the headphones to ignore your mom]”)

4. Your Jewish mother plays matchmaker: Megan’s Jewish mother will come to the ridiculous and illogical conclusion that she will never have grandchildren, so she will constantly try to set her daughter up on dates.

5. You will deeply upset your Jewish grandparents: Megan’s Jewish grandparents will act as though Megan has personally offended them, upset they will now have to “think of a way to tell their friends” the news. Some of the ways they will tell their friends:

• “Ya know, she’s already lost a few pounds.”
• “It’s for the best, his parents don’t even live on the East Coast.”
• “You know Megan, the granddaughter that graduated from [insert hard-to-get-into college].”
• “I think his family has a history of heart disease.”

After the break up, Megan was like “WAHHHHHHH” for a long time, but then she was finally like  “WOOHOOOOOO.” And when you’re like “WOOHOOOOOO,” you’re ready to talk to boys again.

Yes. That is how I explain the grieving process of the dissolution of a 5-year-relationship. In 2 stages: “WAH” and “WOOHOO.” Simple… and uniformed. Clearly, I’ve never experienced heartbreak like Megan’s.

Megan goes to her company’s holiday party, which started at 1PM. Then, she goes to the ‘after party’ (‘cuz we all know every company holiday party has one) at a cheesy Midtown East bar. One of Megan’s work friends tells her guyfriend (see definition below), Tarek to come.

Tarek is 32. The adult-kind of 32. He’s successful, a sharp dresser, uses hair gel in a sophisticated way, exudes confidence, etc etc. Megan wants to kiss Tarek, so she plays a game that only girls can successfully win- the “I’m younger and less informed than you are, so please teach me something so you feel big” game.

Tarek is a consultant for Blackberry, so Megan pretends like she can’t figure out how to use some of the features on her work phone, so he can teach her how to do it and feel big.

Normally, I’m not cool with this type of dating-game but in this kind of situation, it’s kosher. Izz coo. Typically, said game type involves a dumb girl perpetuating a negative female stereotype to get the guy. However, in this case, it involves a smart, yet very drunk girl strategically using a negative female stereotype to her advantage to get the guy. You see, a smart, yet very drunk girl cannot use her intelligence to get the guy because she’s so damn drunk.

It worked, and Megan is French kissing the shit out of Tarek in the middle of the bar. It’s only 8PM but for wasted Megan, who has now been drinking for 7 hours, it’s the end of the night. And at the end of the night, which is typically post 1AM, this type of behavior is common and those observing this type of behavior are unfazed by it.

Tarek, so consumed by Megan having had her tongue in his mouth, forgot his laptop case, with his laptop in it, when he left the bar. He remembers, though, that he stashed the case somewhere, mid-make out, in an effort to hide it, so that he can fully discover Megan’s body with his hands.

The next day:

Hungover-Tarek goes to the bar, where the manager allows him to go into the back room and watch the security tape from the night before. Tarek starts the tape from the initial peck until he sees himself walk over to the corner booth, and stuff his laptop into the triangular-shaped negative space between the wall and the curved booth. This happens 17 minutes into the make-out sesh.

What happens, at the exact minute, while Tarek watches the security tape  in the back room

• Minute 4: One of the bus boys walks by and sees Tarek watching the security tape.
• Minute 5: That same bus boy leaves and tells two fellow bus boys about the back-room screening.
• Minute 8: Three bus boys are standing behind Tarek while he watches the security tape.
• Minute 10: All six bus boys on-shift are standing behind Tarek while he watches the security tapes, a hootin’ and a hollerin’.
• Minute 11: Now only five bus boys are standing behind Tarek while he watches the security tape, a hootin’ and a hollerin’.
• Minute 13: The sixth bus boy comes back into the back room with a few bread baskets.
• Minutes 14-16: Six now-satiated bus boys-turned-ANIMALS are standing over Tarek, really vocalizing their excitement.
• Minute 17: A six-man loud and uniform sigh ensues.

Tarek leaves the bar feeling fully embarrassed and totally violated.

Things didn’t end up working out between Megan and Tarek (the relationship quickly fizzled, as these types of relationships usually do), but Tarek got his laptop back and Megan, her mojo.

It’s this mojo that helped Megan French kiss a lot more frogs and finally, a year later, land her prince.

Megan’s now married and her husband is the fucking BEST. So suck it Jeff Tinker.