Disclaimer: This post is explicit, but not dirty, really. 

NORA

The guy: Ben

Nora is fine at having sex, but not great. It’s kind of similar to how she fared athletically in high school. She started on the varsity soccer team her sophomore year, but she would never be able to play in college. She’s fine at having sex because she’s pretty and has decent rhythm, but not great because she can’t touch her toes, feels uncomfortable not saying ‘please’ and ‘thank you’, and frequently and out-of-the-blue becomes too tired and then rolls on her side, and then snores. 

Nora was talking to her guy-friend one day, and he told her something “awesome” that happened to him after sex-with-a-girl one time. The girl, who he said was “great” at sex, took a hot towel after they were finished and placed it gently on his ding-dong.

Later…

Nora meets a boy at a bar, Ben. He’s cute but too poor, so she writes him off early as just a one-night stand and brings him back to her apartment. 

The “too-poor” thing was a joke, so if you didn’t bat an eyelash, you’re a terrible person. 

They have the sex, and then, no more than few seconds afterwards, Nora remembers her guy-friend’s story about the hot towel on his ding dong, and how it felt quite pleasurable. Her guy-friend, though, did not explicitly tell her that the sex goddess had used a real, cloth towel, one with a high thread count, which is apparently essential to the pleasurable experience. Since Nora thinks that she has nothing to lose, having already deemed this male-suitor a one-time sexual partner, she immediately orders Ben to get up and walk into her living room. “I have a surprise for you, Benjamin,” she says, not even sure if that’s what his name is short for.

That last part quickly transitioned from Tennessee Williams (a swell male-suitor) to Nazi-pirate (walk the sex-plank, Matey) to stage-five clinger (“‘Cuz, I’ll find you.”).

Ben, or Benjamin, is groggy and confused. Unless the surprise is that she is joking, and he is dreaming, he is not interested. But he follows the inflexible girl’s orders anyways. Once in the living room, Nora pushes naked Ben onto her couch by aggressively pressing down on his shoulder and then scurries into the kitchen. He hears the faucet running and is probably thinking to himself, “Is she drinking water? Because, can you bring me some?? Also, can I go to sleep now? Please? “

No, Nora is not drinking water. Nora is dousing 8 feet of a Kirkland paper towel roll with lukewarm water, because it’s taking too long for the hot water to come out. She carries the heavy, overly-saturated mass of paper towel into the living room with two arms, as if cradling a soaking wet baby, and then, once her arms are positioned right above Ben’s ding-dong, she suddenly releases it.

Splat!

Ben, or Benjamin, is no longer groggy, but he is still confused. Very confused, in fact, probably wondering why this random girl is trying to waterboard his crotch. “What did it ever do it you?”

Nora waits for Ben to give her some form of confirmation. However, met with no more than blank stare and cocked eyebrow, Nora concedes her sexual-experiment a failure, and the rest is pretty much as awkward as you would imagine it to be.

Nora gathers the heavy, now-cold but less-saturated mass of paper towel, as most of the water has leaked onto Ben’s lower-half and absorbed into the couch cushion, and carries it back into the kitchen with two warms, as if cradling a baby damp with penis water.

The next morning, Ben shockingly asks Nora for her number. On their date, Ben less-shockingly asks her to split the bill. Her total came to $12.